The history of Hosiery; A Mistress, rather than masterclass.

Stockings were an essential part of a man’s outfit, in the Elizabethan period. 

They were made from various materials, but the wealthy wore silk and although they were worn by both men and women, the men’s styles were often more visible and elaborately decorated, sometimes extending above the knee and held up by colourful garters or ribbon and were sometimes stuffed, to create a fashionable, shapely calf. 

In his youth Henry VIII ( Elizabeth’s father) was famed for the shapeliness of his calves which were much admired across Europe. 

The French King François,  when they met at a diplomatic gathering in 1520, complimented Henry on how shapely his calves looked gartered, in delicate sensual silk…. 

What took place next is lost to history, although it is speculated that Henry VIII ended up becoming François’ little sissy bitch; Marie, an unconventional courtly coupling  that took place  under the watchful gaze of Henrys Mistress;  Anne. Ensuring Henry kept his stockings neatly gartered above the knee and be the best little slut she could be for her Mistress. 

Henry apparently continued to play the role of Marie when he returned to Hampton Court and it is speculated that this led to Henry’s  reactionary stance on homosexuality when he got too old, fat, frumpy and grumpy to enjoy playing Marie anymore… 

• “The Acte for the punishment of the vice of buggerie” in 1533. 

Englands first anti homosexuality law. 

There’s a lot of boring speculation written about Henry’s dissolution of the monasteries but very little written about his dissolution of other practices that existed at the time. 

Practices such as the one reflected in this carving …. 

…. A carving that was quietly minding its own business in the eaves of All Saints Church Hereford, for 800 years until the rector decided to put a cafe into the space directly beneath him complete with tasteful contemporary uplighting, which lit up rather more intimate nooks in the church roof than  the rector likely intended . And hopefully didn’t put anyone off their gluten free organic chocolate bombe. 

When consulted, endearingly  innocent academics decided the carving must be the work of a carpenter who didn’t get paid properly.  They decided the figure was showing bum to  the carpenters bosses. Giving them a medieval middle finger, although I’d suggest if this is an example of someone being given the middle finger, this guy was definitely the receiver rather than the giver 

Although who knows what this little guy was getting up to in the church eaves, no evidence beyond the carving has survived.  

Folk history being primarily an oral tradition or in this instance an anal one … 

And as the saying goes; 

 “What goes on in church  eaves stays in  church eaves…  “ 

Unless someone decides to draw attention to it, 800 years later